Real

Come to find out that the funeral exercise that I blogged about below was not an exercise. It was an exercise for a real live military funeral. A National Guard guy from here committed suicide by hanging. So sad. I just found out today.

RIP Bandit ♥

1993-17 May 2010

Bandit had a very long happy life. There's not much to say. There arent words to say how much we will all miss him. Crazy how animals can take to a family just like a human can...or in our case better than some humans can.






" A pet is a special part of your family who will always have a special place in your heart".

They are gone from our sight, but never our memory, Gone from our hearing but never our hearts, Gone from our touch but their presence is felt, And the love that they gave us never departs.

Lost

Happenings in the Alessi household have gotten lost in the shuffle since my friend's tragic news. I thank each and everyone one of you who either read my blog and left a comment, or just thought of my friend and her family. Im still in the state of disbelief of all of this. Its like the things you see in horror movies and on the news to people you expect it from. Its like a bad dream that I can not wake her up out of.
There have been a lot death things going on. The 2nd anniversary of Aunt Deb's death, the 1st anniversary of my Pappy's death and my Great Grandma wrote me a card saying she forgot to tell me when I talked to her, that my Great Aunt Sofie passed away in March. This was a shock. I mean, she was in her 80's but still very unexpected. And then the even more unexpected loss of one of my only and best friend's parents.

Anyways, back to the Alessi household. Let's see. What's been going on here?

*May 3rd was our last final post placement visit for Caden's adoption! Finalization is still set for June 9th at 9 am. Because of the time difference and 8,000 miles between us and Jacksonville, FL we have to do a tele-conference on the phone at 11 PM June 9th our time at the on base legal office. It's going to stink dragging both babies out of bed at that time. Im NOT looking forward it, but dont get me wrong...it's oh so well worth it.

*Our big furry Pooh Bear turned 9 (NINE?!) years old on May 5th. Feels like there was never a life before him, only with him. He is still a big pest-y kitten at heart.


*May 4th Caden hit 3 months old. He is smiling a lot, fussing a lot (he is such a gassy baby) sleeping a lot, chewing on his hands a lot. He has certainly discovered chewing his hands. He has also discovered his voice! Yesterday May 8th he let out his very first giggle. Just to show how different blood siblings can be...Kayla didn't do any of this until 4 months old. However, I am predicting he will be behind on all the other things like sitting, standing, crawling. We shall see!

*Caden has slept from 7pm to 7am 2 days in a row with only one feeding at 3:30 am. This makes for a happy Mom.

*Kayla has a new fascination with being naked. Naked to her is wearing a diaper only, so most days we are hanging around at home, she's naked.



*Caden upgraded to a size 3 diaper. Kayla upgraded to a size 4 diaper, but only because she has gained some serious height. The 3's were too short for her and the 4's are too big in the waist. I need to seriously start potty training her. I just havent had the desire to commit to that yet.



*I (we) made my (our) first fondant cake. Pics and blog post about this to come later.

*Kayla is now 21 months old and I have her birthday theme set as Butterflies!

*Today is Mother's Day. Happy Mother's Day to all the Moms, birth moms, moms to be,moms who are still waiting, and moms who have angels because you are moms too.
If you would have told me last year, or even the year before, or even 3 years ago that by Mother's Day 2010 I would have TWO babies...I would have laughed at you.

update

News update here. Its not going well.

http://www.jacksonnewspapers.com/news/x289801192/BREAKING-NEWS-Police-investigating-apparent-murder-suicide-in-Ripley

Great regret

It is with GREAT regret that I have to sit down at my computer this morning and blog about this. But, this is my life. My blog is an open book. This is me take it and read it and support me, or leave it and run.

Jennifer Snead and I have been friends since the 8th grade. Like all good friends, we have had our moments. Those moments may have once lasted a year, maybe have lasted a week, may have lasted a couple days, maybe even a few minutes.

But now at 26 years old I can say I have held steady a friend since age 13? I dont know..how old are you in 8th grade?

She has always been there for me. Through high school, in my wedding party, she was there to say goodbye to me when I got married and left the United States. She was the only one for that.

Through our 5 years of infertility she was at the other end of my computer to talk at anytime. She is one of only TWO friends who make the sacrifice to come visit me whenever I get the opportunity to be in the United States. She had a big helping hand in our Birth Mother finding us. You can find that blog post from May 16, 2008 here.

And now, through this horrible, devastating, life changing, tremendous loss in her life, I cant be there for her. Really this loss has no words to describe how profound it really is.

My heart and my shoulders are so heavy thinking of all that she is now going through and all that she will go through in the coming days, weeks, months and years. She will not be the same old Jen Snead I have known for what seems like forever.

What I can do though, is be on the other end of the phone.

What I can do is please ask all of my blogger friends, everyone reading this right now, to please this very moment send prayers or thoughts of much needed strength to her.

And Jen- if by chance you are reading this...just like you did this morning, please call me at any time. Any time. I mean that. WE will get through this. You are not alone. Im not with you physically, but you never for a moment far from my thoughts. Since yesterday, YOU have been my thoughts.

There arent many details. I dont want to share the little bit of details Jen shared with me quite yet.
But here is the news article.

http://wboy.com/story.cfm?func=viewstory&storyid=79382

JENNIFER SNEAD SANSONI

JENNIFER SNEAD SANSONI
PLEASE get in touch with me asap, just in case you are reading my blog. Although at a time like this I am sure you are not. But Im trying every way possible to get in touch with you.

I am in shock. I cant believe it. It cant be true. You are not out my thoughts or heart for more than 10 seconds at a time. Im with you through this as much as I can being so far away.

Please get in touch with me, any way you can, any time you can.

Please.

3 May 2008

Blog post from today, 2 years ago. Hard to read this and know it was TWO YEARS ago. I totally believe she aided a higher power into matching us with a Birth Mother. Its too much of a miracle and perfect timing to be just a coincidence.


3 May 2008
Please everyone, say a prayer for Nick's Aunt Deb to pass quickly and peacefully.

About 2 weeks ago she was wondering her neighborhood in her nightgown, dazed and confused with a bloodied face and all she could say was she fell down the stairs.

A few tests later showed a tumor on the front part of her brain blocking her speech and balance. This explained why she was in the condition she was in when found.

After a biopsy, Lukemia was confirmed. Prognosis is grim. We just found out about this yesterday. Nick's Mom told us Aunt Deb was already unconsious and probably wont wake up. Mom told us she has a week. Today, according to the message Nick's Dad left us, she has much less time than that. They were headed to the hospital right then. I wish we were home to get the call. Unfortunatly we were volunteering our Saturday monring helping at a children's soap box derby.

I cant believe it. Its not fair. Shes only in her 50's. Its not fair. She was a kind woman. She had a big heart and loved to talk your ear off, a chatterbox. She often let us know that she was praying for our baby. She called me Cookie because I "was as smart as a cookie for my age." She would often times tell me the story of her and Uncle Fran having so much trouble getting pregnant. Then they started to adopt from China and then bam...she was pregnant. She always wanted to give me hope that it would happen. She always asked about my Mother, my family, knowing that I havent had any of their support. She would remind me that it would be ok, I had her and all of Nick's family to love me. She would tell me how proud of me she was, how happy she was that Nick choose me. She would tell me how strong I was and she had no doubt that I would be a mother. She would tell me she loved me just like she loved her biological nieces and nephews, like I was supposed to be part of the family.

It's all just so quick. So sudden and not fair. Not fair. Why?? Why cant the murderers, rapists, child molesters in jail rot like this? Why isnt it them who cant father children? I dont understand. I often times wonder if there really is a God. If there was a God, why would things happen like this? Why would so many good people be made to suffer? One week she is fine and then to only have just days to live? How? Why?

Aunt Deb was struggling to get through life. She was unhappy and unstable for many reasons for a while now, so I wonder if she is just ready to go. Me thinking that she is wanting and ready to go makes it a little more bearable.

Please pray she makes its safely, painlessly, and quickly. Pray that she will soon see her Father again and finally be happy again.

Pray that the family can get through this time. Her sisters- Nick's mom and Aunt Ellen, her daughter, her grandsons, her Mother, her nieces and nephews, her husband.

Maybe she can plea with God and get him to agree to send us our baby sooner rather than later. It really hurts me that she will not get to see Nick and I become parents. She has wanted this for us as much as we do. And she wont even be here to see it happen.

Its not fair.
Me, Mom, Aunt Ellen and Aunt Deb.




Today, 3 May 2010

It all makes sense now. As much as its not fair that she is not here to enjoy our babies with us, I understand. I understand why she is not here. I know she is happy and I am at peace with that. She was chosen for a reason, for many reasons, and I understand.

Pappy's obituary

Richard L. "Scoop" O'Neal, Sr.
Richard L. "Scoop" O'Neal, Sr., 66, of Harrisburg, passed away in the presence of his loving family on April 24, 2009 in Harrisburg Hospital.
He was the widower of Linda Lilley O'Neal.
He was a member of the Harrisburg and Steelton Police Departments and retired from the Dauphin County Prison System.
He was a member of the Blue Moon Cruisers and the Capitol City Car Club.
He is survived by his son, Richard and his wife Audrea of Tabernacle, NJ; 3 daughters, Tina Boyer, Michelle and her husband David Walborn, and Lisa O'Neal, all of Harrisburg; 6 grandchildren; and 4 great grandchildren.
Funeral Services will be held on Saturday, May 2, 2009 at 11:00am in the Neill Funeral Home, 3501 Derry Street, Harrisburg with a viewing at the funeral home from 9:00am until the time of service. Burial will follow in Blue Ridge Memorial Gardens, Harrisburg.
Please join us in celebrating our loved one's life by visiting our Memorial at www.mem.com.
www.pennlive.com/obits



I was going to have flowers sent, but after I saw the prices decided against it. I wanted something more meaningful then flowers that will blend in with all the other flowers. I wanted something that would stand out, something that would mean a lot and have a lot of thought and love in it.
Then I saw this..


And I ordered it for my Dad, with Pappy's name, birth date and death date on it. I hope he likes it.

I also signed Pappy's online guest book.

My sister told me that Pappy's final outfit will be a Phillies sweatshirt and jeans. Which very much so fits him. I can see him wearing that forever and more.

Another Pappy update

I'm very happy to say that I will be included in Pappy's farewell. Even though I haven't seen my family in so many years, they are all thinking of me and including me. We are all putting our differences and pasts' behind us to give Pappy the viewing and funeral that he should have.

My cousin messaged me and asked me to send my Aunt some pictures of Kayla and I so they can be displayed in the slide show of pictures of all the grandchildren and great grandchildren at his funeral. Even though he has never met Kayla, (I don't even know if he knows of Kayla) and even though the last communication I had from him was very hurtful, I'm glad to be included. I wish I could be there to say Goodbye, but then again maybe it's better that I am not there. It's better for me to remember him as I see him from years ago when I was kid. When I would kiss him on the cheek, when he would be sitting in 'his chair' in front of the tv eating his sunflower seeds and smoking a cigarette, when he would take us to breakfast and order me my scrapple and syrup every Saturday morning that I spent with him, when he would drive my step-grandmother and my step-aunt to the mall every Sunday I spent with them, when he would listen to the oldie 50's music in the car that I grew to like, sitting in his baby blue shiny cadilac(sp?). I have many memories of him that are probably better than the memory of him resting in his coffin.

My cousin is also willing to save on obituary for me since Kayla and I will be mentioned in it. Which I so much appreciate.

Im going to have to dig around in my pictures and see what I can find of him and post them here, in his remembrance. So stay tuned.

He's gone, Rest Peacefully Pappy

I woke up to an update from my cousin this morning. Our Pappy is gone. The man we knew as little girls was gone a long time ago, but now he is really gone. Forever. I hoped it wouldn't be hard for him. I hoped he would pass comfortably and it sounds like he did.

She said about 12:30 noon he was taken off of all the stuff and he lasted about 40 minutes. My Aunt stayed with him while my Dad left the room and waited outside of the hospital. According to my Aunt, he took his last breath and it was over. The burial will be on Saturday.

I wish I could make it.



On another more positive note, According to WIC- Kayla weighs in at 19.5 lbs- 95th percentile on the charts and she is 28 inches tall coming in at 75th percentile on the charts, just 5 days shy of 9 months old!

Pappy

I got a message from my cousin this morning. Even though I haven't seen my family in more years than I can even remember, I wish I was there to help them get through this. Even though I don't think it would make this any easier for them.

I'm more sad then I thought I would be about this.

She wrote to me that at 12 east coast time (I don't know weather noon or midnight) the plugs will be pulled from my Pappy. My Aunt is going to try to stay in the room with him. My Dad cant. The doctors said that if he were to come out of the coma that he would be in a total vegetative state and we all know he wouldn't want that. The burial will be on saturday if everything goes right.

Change of blog plans again

Well, I was once again going to blog our Sunday in pictures but that has changed.
I wanted to throw out here some bad news and hope that you all can send some thoughts to my family maybe to ease the process.

I was informed yesterday that my Grandfather, aka Pappy (my Dad's Father) is going to pass away very soon.

He had a heart attack after turning down triple bypass surgery, while at a car show over the weekend. He is now in the hospital on life support. At 5 pm Eastern Time my Dad is to decide what to do about pulling plugs. This is in about 30 miuntes. His Will states do not recessitate.(sp?)

My cousin went to see him yesterday, and even though doctors say only a small part of his left brain is working so he cannot understand what is being said, she told him that I was thinking of him.

My cousin and I were very close to him growing up. That changed when I turned about 13 years old.

The last time I had any communication with him was through email a couple years ago. He was very harsh in his words towards me. Words that I wont repeat. I already had an open wound from just having a miscarriage and my husband being in Iraq so it hurt. It hurt a lot because he was saying things without even knowing me. He was always a very stubborn man and he hurt me a lot, but I would never wish this on him. Or anyone else.

Even though the relationship I have with my Father is non-exisant, I wish that this not be heavy on him or my Aunt.

I asked for one and got 50

Lots to show you. But first..
Yesterday evening I took Kayla for a walk down at the beach. While walking I spotted a couple butterflies. I stopped, and tried to capture one in a picture but they were just too fast. So, I continued the walk. I asked Aunt Deb to let me get just one picture of one butterfly and I would be happy. 20 feet down the road I ran into what seemed like 50 butterflies.

About 20 feet down the road...she not only gave me 1 butterfly to capture in a picture....but about 50 of them to capture in lots of pictures and even a video. It was utterly amazing. I just stood there taking pictures with flying all around me and Kayla. Then I just stood there and watched. I watched Kayla watch the butterflies, and I watched them myself. And I couldnt help but release a few tears and think of Aunt Deb. To this day, I still think of her so much and wish I could hear her 1 more time.

Here is a video of the butterflies.


And here are a few pictures. ( Head band made by Tina from Sweet Pea's Place )





I also managed to get a picture of Kayla's teeth while she was chewing on her sunglasses. Since this picture, tooth number 2 has popped through the gums, so thankfully Kayla and I both got much needed rest last night.


And a few pictures from Kayla's bath time. Tammy and Mark sent us the bubble bath! Thank you both again!




Today Nick got a chance to call us. Kayla was outside in her pool when he called. I was in the middle of teaching her the word NO as he called. She was trying to get into my plant I have. He got a kick out of that. He is now headed over to the middle east. I have his mailing address but cannot give it out until he gets there. We dont want him missing any mail. I can give out his email address. If you are interested let me know. It will be a few days before he arrives. We think he has 2 layovers that are a couple of days long. Im so ready to get the show on the road so we can start getting this deployment over with. I want my husband home where he belongs.

Oh, also...I did call my Great Grandma this morning. They weren't home so I left a message and she called back. Her and my Grandpap were beyond excited to hear from me and they are even more excited to meet their Great Great Granddaughter, miss Kayla Nicole this summer. I'm glad I pushed myself to pick up the phone. It's going to be a hard visit. They are very much so up there in age and I don't know the next time I will be back in PA to visit. Hopefully a year or so, but in that time you never know.

Well, I suppose this blog is long enough. Dont want to bore anyone. Until next time my friends...

Please say a prayer for Emilie's family, plus slideshow of pictures

"Lemmondrops" Emilie passed away last night. Please say a prayer for her family or even sent them a comment to let them know your thoughts are with them. This is not what I wanted to read this morning, on Christmas Day.

You can visit them here:
http://lemmondrops.blogspot.com/



Some brighter news...Christmas was fantastic. We got to see my parents in law over the webcam. They got to watch Kayla open her gifts and we got to watch them open their gifts. I must admit, I miss them so much and wish more and more everyday they could look this baby girl in her eyes and fall more in love just like we do.

Hoping we get to see them soon!
Enjoy our slideshow. We took more pictures then I cant count, but here are some favorites.

While Im waiting to go to bed here in a few, I wasted some time and took this quiz.

Your Blogging Type is Logical and Principled

You like to voice your well thought out opinions on your blog. And if someone doesn't what you write, you really don't care! Serious and blunt, sometimes people take your blog the wrong way. But you're a true and loyal friend to those who truly get you.

What's Your Blogging Personality?

Friday the 13th- June 2008

I'm a ball of emotions today. I honestly feel like I am the pregnant one. lol. I just woke up this way. I don't know what happened over night. I think it is all finally feeling so real and so right.

Thank you everyone again for the sweet comments. I didn't mean to make Nick sound like a bad guy. I am so lucky. As hard as my life has been I would not change it for the world. I wouldn't change it for all the money in the entire world. That I promise you. God had a reason for all my heartache, and today it just all feels so lifted from me. I am so happy I cant even begin to describe. I have the best man in the entire world by my side who I wouldn't trade for anything, and we are about to have the princess that we have dreamed of for years. Even though her existence has been so short thus far, she has been in our hearts for as long as our marriage is old. I once thought, who has me cursed? Why me? Why my husband? Why us? And now I think, How us? How are we so incredibly lucky?

I woke up this morning and just had to journal the old fashioned way- my journal made of real paper that gets written in with a real pen when I feel I need to get things out in private versus the whole world reading it. But this entry is different. I have to share it with the world.

As I sat on the sunny but cool deck this morning, I wrote:

Friday June 13th 2008-

June is just about half way over. Time is going so fast, yet so slow. 2 days before I meet K, and baby girl from the womb. So exciting and nerve wracking. I just hope we click and I hope she likes me even more. I feel so lucky that we have a birth mother who is so involved. She cares. She writes me almost everyday, if not defiantly every other day. I care about her like I care about my little sister. I worry about her every day if I don't hear from her. I really hope that it continues after the birth of this precious miracle. I still would love for her to be involved if she is emotionally ready and able. We would love for baby girl to be able to know her birth mom.

As hard as all this is to go through, we are incredibly lucky. And I do give most, if not all, the credit to Aunt Deb. When she passed away it really upset me that she would never get to see Nick and I live our dreams, to become parents. She wanted this for us just as much as us, and as our parents. She said she had no doubts that it would happen and that it was all in God's time.

I no longer feel so sad about her missing all this because I know she knows. I feel that she knows. I think she has had a big part in all this happening. As much as I would love to physically know she knows, it's ok. It cant be all just a coincidence. It is all too much to be just that. Too much of a miracle to be a coincidence.

Aunt Deb went to heaven knowing we needed help. She went to give God the extra helping hands he needed in letting this all happen. Aunt Deb is here. I know and feel it.

As I am writing this entry, out on the quiet, sunny but cool morning on the deck, I asked Aunt Deb, "Where are you?, Where are you Aunt Deb?"- hoping to see a butterfly. Seconds later, there it was. I haven't seen any butterflies since I been here, a week now. And there it was, the butterfly Aunt Deb sent to me just when I needed it most. A black one. A big one. Followed by a yellow one, and then a white one.

See, I know she's here and I know she knows. I see her with that big smile not only on her mouth but in her sparkling smiling eyes too, so happy and with no pain. Knowing she is with us in this makes me feel so safe and secure in this whole process. She showed me 3 butterflies just when I asked. She IS here. And boy she must have got to work up there as soon as she arrived. I imagine- at her arrival she made it known she was there. :0)

For K to have seen our website and contacted me when she did- just days after her passing is a true miracle. Not to mention all the other miracles through this that we have needed to make this happen- ALL with PERFECT timing.

Rest peacefully Aunt Deb. You will forever be in my heart, and I will be sure that Baby Girl knows her Great Aunt Deb.

21 May 2008

Well after 4 hours of sleep last night, and getting a phone call I been waiting on for 2 days I feel better. Oh..dont you worry...yes I am still stressed to the max, but I feel better than yesterday. Yesterday I was at my witt's end. I just wanted to go into a corner and hide for a little bit. I asked God and Aunt Deb to please let this work out and fall into place and please ease my stress level, even if just a hair. And they heard me. I really believe she is up there watching and helping me. And that makes feel good and helps me get through all of this. Also, knowing that we will have a daughter in 74 days plus or minus a few days...makes it all worth it.

We found out that North West Airlines cannot give us the 65% discount because we are not doing an international adoption...which we figured but thought it would be worth a try. So we have yet again, another plan. The plan would be: I take a military hop to Texas from here 3rd week of June to FL. Nick ran into a guy today that used to work in that department and he told us it would be very easy to get onto a hop to Texas. Then once in TX I purchase a one way ticket to FL and visit our birth mom. Then up to PA I go until the end of July so I dont have to pay a $950.00 ticket back home to Guam. At the end of July Nick would do the same and meet me in FL for the baby's birth. Then both of us back to PA to spend time with the wonderful family. And the military hop...or buy tickets to get home to Guam.

This sounds like the plan so far.

As far as everything else, its all coming together. We pick up our background checks today at 2 pm. Then our physicals are at 3 pm. and then to pick up our child abuse checks at 4 pm. We have to pick up a letter from our health care provider sometime in between these appintments too, just to prove that we have insurance for the home study. Tomorrow I have the bundles for babies class at 9 am. and on the 30th we have another parenting class called 1,2,3, magic. Those 2 classes under our belt will be great in the home study. We have 2 of our 3 reference letters done and my questionaire is about done. Nick still has to do his but he could knock it out in 1 night. We also have to call Guam social services and see if they have any reqirements that we have to meet in the home study. Lets all cross our fingers they have very small requirements or even better...none at all. Hopefully we can knock that out today or tomorrow.

Phew. Its all going to be worth it. Please Aunt Deb, God, let it all be worth it.

6 May 2008-Aunt Deb

Dear Aunt Deb,

I couldnt sleep. Ever since we heard the news a few days ago, I've spent my time thinking about you before drifting off to sleep, thinking of all the regrets. Not just regrets that I have, but regrets for you...about your life.

I regret that the days, months and even years before you got so sick werent spent happily. You should have been allowed to have the gift of cherishing life and all good things in it.

I regret that God couldnt give you a little more strength and time so you could alteast go happy.

I regret that you had to go before you were able to have atleast 1 happy day.

I regret you had to go with all that hurt burried deep inside you. I now hope that all that hurt is gone. I hope now that you dont feel alone, sad, hurt, or angry anymore.

I regret that you didnt have a blissful time with your husband before you had to go. I regret you werent treated with the respect that you should have had.

I regret that your daughter didnt step up to the plate and be all that she could be before you went.

I regret that you wont see the only light of your life that you had, grow up to be a young man and I regret the fact that he is so young and could have had so many years to spend with you and I hope that his memory of you wont fade. I hope that you will always be with him and his little brother.

I regret not seeing you one more time before we left for Guam.

I regret never again seeing Aunt Deb on a new email in my inbox. I regret never again reading the big, bold, bright, colorful letters "Hi Cookie!"

I regret not taking more time for you, listening to you. But I have never before experienced the death of a family member or anyone that has been close to me. So I was ignorant to the fact that it can happen to anyone at anytime. I now think about all the deaths that will be in my future. And I now realize how unfair this part of life is.

I regret that I now will only ever get to see your smile in a picture, and see you move and speak in my mind.

I regret you will not get to see Nick and I become the Mom and Dad you wanted to see, and that you wont be here to be a great Aunt to our baby to be.

I hope that your Mom wont be scared and confused because "that nice woman" wont be there anymore.

I really hope you wanted to go, and God didnt make you go. I really hope you are now happy and that your smile is a sincere, genuwine, happy smile.

I really hope that you went because you were ready and not because God was so cruel enough to just take you when he wanted you. I really hope he had good reason for taking you when he could have given you many more years.

I hope that when you walked through that golden gate, your father was on the other side to greet you and take your hand. I hope that you are now together. I hope the both of you are watching over all of us. I hope you give your sisters strength. I hope you plea with God to give us a baby. I hope you protect your grandsons and I hope you are able to see your Great Nephew be born next month.

Along with all the regrets I have, I have so many new found hopes for you.

Love,
Your Cookie.

3 May 2008

WARNING- possible Tear jerker or waterfall post ahead.

Please everyone, say a prayer for Nick's Aunt Deb to pass quickly and peacefully.

About 2 weeks ago she was wondering her neighborhood in her nightgown, dazed and confused with a bloodied face and all she could say was she fell down the stairs.

A few tests later showed a tumor on the front part of her brain blocking her speech and balance. This explained why she was in the condition she was in when found.

After a biopsy, Lukemia was confirmed. Prognosis is grim. We just found out about this yesterday. Nick's Mom told us Aunt Deb was already unconsious and probably wont wake up. Mom told us she has a week. Today, according to the message Nick's Dad left us, she has much less time than that. They were headed to the hospital right then. I wish we were home to get the call. Unfortunatly we were volunteering our Saturday monring helping at a children's soap box derby.

I cant believe it. Its not fair. Shes only in her 50's. Its not fair. She was a kind woman. She had a big heart and loved to talk your ear off, a chatterbox. She often let us know that she was praying for our baby. She called me Cookie because I "was as smart as a cookie for my age." She would often times tell me the story of her and Uncle Fran having so much trouble getting pregnant. Then they started to adopt from China and then bam...she was pregnant. She always wanted to give me hope that it would happen. She always asked about my Mother, my family, knowing that I havent had any of their support. She would remind me that it would be ok, I had her and all of Nick's family to love me. She would tell me how proud of me she was, how happy she was that Nick choose me. She would tell me how strong I was and she had no doubt that I would be a mother. She would tell me she loved me just like she loved her biological nieces and nephews, like I was supposed to be part of the family.

It's all just so quick. So sudden and not fair. Not fair. Why?? Why cant the murderers, rapists, child molesters in jail rot like this? Why isnt it them who cant father children? I dont understand. I often times wonder if there really is a God. If there was a God, why would things happen like this? Why would so many good people be made to suffer? One week she is fine and then to only have just days to live? How? Why?

Aunt Deb was struggling to get through life. She was unhappy and unstable for many reasons for a while now, so I wonder if she is just ready to go. Me thinking that she is wanting and ready to go makes it a little more bearable.

Please pray she makes its safely, painlessly, and quickly. Pray that she will soon see her Father again and finally be happy again.

Pray that the family can get through this time. Her sisters- Nick's mom and Aunt Ellen, her daughter, her grandsons, her Mother, her nieces and nephews, her husband.

Maybe she can plea with God and get him to agree to send us our baby sooner rather than later. It really hurts me that she will not get to see Nick and I become parents. She has wanted this for us as much as we do. And she wont even be here to see it happen.

Its not fair.

The 3 sisters: Mom, Aunt Ellen and Aunt Deb in 2006.



The 3 sisters, plus me.